Blue Ruin

I'm paraphrasing here. Barely.

1. "Wow, where have I been? I had no idea that Neko Case was such a gifted performer! I always thought of her as that hot indie chick from Canada or wherever who posed for pictures in a see-through shirt. But yesterday I took a break from whacking off to listen to one of her albums, and boy was I surprised! Who knew that redheads with great racks could sing and play guitar? Today I am sharing this important discovery with you, humble readers. Now I am off to find out if any of the other hot chick singers I jerk off to are any good at music."

2. "Today, we here at Pun On A Radiohead Song Title bring you this exclusive track from the not-yet-released album everyone's talking about. When I say we, I mean my bittorent program and I. And by exclusive, I mean available to anyone who knows how to use bittorrent. I really don't give a shit about this band, but I keep reading about them on all the other mp3 blogs, so there must be some good reason they're getting all this hype. Anyway, posting this track is sure to increase my traffic and get me linked all over the place. You're probably all impressed by my connections in the music business. Well, you should be. Now hurry up and download this song before the record label sends me a cease and desist notice."
ThePretentiousBedWetters-Whataletdown.mp3 song removed

3. Everyone's blogging about Amy Winehouse so I felt the need to post this track so I, too, could comment on her alcohol problem, her eating disorder, and her similarity to Lily Allen, another British women who swears in her song lyrics and drinks alcohol. This track is taken from Amy's new doo-wop album, Back to Black. I call it doo-wop because it sounds like that music from the sixties that Phil Spector made for those Motown singers. And because I wouldn't know soul music from a hole in the wall."

4. "Here are a couple of tunes by an amazing singer-songwriter I've been listening to lately. She writes well-crafted songs with insightful lyrics and I highly recommend her album to people who like Bob Dylan and Joni Mitchell. If she had a penis and her first name were Sufjan I would probably name my blog after her, but this post is filed under 'guilty pleasures', because seriously, I'm not running a Lilith Fair blog here."

Labels: what kind of fuckery is this?

Gillian Welch

Indie bloggers, I totally beat you to this post.click on song title to play

Mark Ronson - Valerie (feat. Amy Winehouse)

originally by The Zutons
covered by Amy Winehouse
this version is produced by Mark Ronson from his new album Version.

I dare you not to dance your ass off to it.

You know it was a mistake to get a Myspace account when someone you haven't seen or talked to in five years sends you a "friend request" and then immediately sends you a message asking for money you supposedly owe them from years ago. Jesus Christ. (Yes, it involves a wedding, why do you ask?) I'm going to start a networking site called MyComplaints.com, where you can set up an account similar to MySpace, but it will be the place for people to post complaints about you. Then when you get an email or phone call from someone who has some kind of issue with you, you can direct them to your MyComplaints page. Your profile page will have a place for the complain...ant to enter in their e-mail address along with the details of the complaint, dates, times, dollar amounts, etc. Then MyComplaints will send a form letter to the complainant: "Thank you for registering your complaint about Sally Q. Bridesmaid. Complaints will be processed in the order in which they are received. Your complaint is very important to Sally Q. Bridesmaid. You will receive an e-mail when a decision has been reached regarding your complaint. Please do not contact Sally Q. Bridesmaid directly regarding this complaint. You can check the status of your complaint at any time by visiting http://mycomplaints.com/sqbridesmaid and entering your complaint number, which is 344522348786558751."
Who knew that bureaucracy was a marketable skill?
Any takers?

Now for the recommendation: Amy Winehouse is the ish. Watch that clip and this one and if you like what you hear, get more here.

Local politician at my door: "Are you a voter?"*
Me: "..."

Replayed in my head, 15 minutes later:

LPAMD: "Are you a voter?"
Me: "Are you a drinker?"

*I took this to mean "are you old enough to vote?" I get that a lot.

disclaimer: minors should not drink alcohol. Even though Wednesday will probably be a snow day anyway.

Take one sip (that's sip, Gloria, not shot) every time one of the judges says:
You made it your own.
It was just aight for me.
Not your best performance.
I didn't like the song.
You are what this competition is all about.
You don't look like the American Idol.
Look, I'm not being rude, but...
It was like karaoke.
pitchy
ghastly
dawg

Two sips every time:
Paula cries
Paula hugs a contestant
A contestant cries onstage
Someone nails an Aretha or Whitney song
Someone botches an Aretha or Whitney song
Simon insults a contestant's physical appearance.
Paula gets mad and hits him.
A male contestant sings a love song and changes the words to be about Paula.
A female contestant sings a sassy song and changes the words to be about Simon.

Three sips:
Someone asks to change groups.
They let him/her change groups.
That person makes it to the top 24.
Someone forgets the words during the group audition.
You totally know the words that they forgot.
That person makes it to the top 24.
Someone blows off the group practice.
Said person kicks ass in the group audition.
And makes it to the top 24.
Someone has laryngitis and can't sing in Hollywood.
That person makes the top 24.

Chug:
There is an overweight female contestant who sings great and Simon does not tell her that she has an image problem.
There is a guy who is somewhat funny looking but sings great and Simon does not tell him that he has an image problem.
Someone does a rap song.
They make it to the top 24.

Drink everything in the house:
There is an openly gay contestant.

Go out to the store to get more liquor:
The openly gay contestant makes the top 24.

I am utterly fascinated by the POSTSECRET livejournal site.